should be sleeping...

I should totally be sleeping, but.. Kevin is crying and I am trying to get him to soothe himself. Torturous sleep training has begun for poor Kev. This is by far my least favorite part of parenting.

Aside from sleeping training, I'm wide awake for another reason. Today is April 2nd. Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003 was the night my mom suddenly passed away. Nine years ago. Nine years ago.... at this very moment... I was returning home from the hospital to a mom'less home. I will never forget that feeling. As much as I've grown, learned and changed in the past nine years, that feeling still lingers in my heart. There is a,"momless' ness" about me now. Being a motherless daughter changes you. Since that night, I have been a different person who has a different perspective on just about everything! I remain the same ol' Jo in some ways... sure. But, overall my perspective on anything important has changed. That and I sadly hardened a little bit. I've tried to lose the new, "hard," feeling I have sometimes, but I can't shake it. I also can't remember a time since that night where I have laughed a true laugh... that bothers me. I laugh, I find humor in life, I love laughing actually... but post mom... I haven't really belly laughed. You know the laugh...the one that makes you cry or run to the bathroom if you've had a baby like me... I know it is a silly thing to think about, but for me it just shows me that I am still not there yet. Will I ever be? Not sure... I know God has me on this grief journey for more reasons than I can fathom, but every once in awhile I just want to say," This stinks God." I trust Him and his plan for me... but today I just felt stinky.

Being mom'less has made me notice things that the average person may not notice. Like mothers and daughters shopping at Target together... or a grandmother with her grand baby at the local play place...a loving motherly look from behind a bride who's trying a dress on... a mother answering the door of her daughter's home as you deliver a "new baby meal"..little snippets into a life I wish I could have had with her. I know I wasn't meant to and that she lived out her lifetime, but days like today the,"what if''s" get the best of me. I usually try and watch a home movie of my mom today, but I couldn't handle it... hearing her voice just seemed like too much today.

I can't believe that it has been nine years. When I relive that night in my mind, which I try not to do, it feels like I'm watching a bad lifetime movie. I really survived that? My family really went through that? It's crazy... if anyone knew how often I still think of her/talk to her throughout the day, they would probably be a little concerned about me... but it just happens... all day long. I can't help it. I probably think of her at least five times a day still. Some days more. Personally, I hope that never changes...

I love my life. I love my husband and my sweet boys. I love that God has given me passions and interests that occupy my mind. I love that this terrible experience has opened my eyes to the hurt that people feel every day. Today, I saw at least three ambulances go by and I don't think that was an accident. Every time I see one... I say a little prayer and think," man someone's life could be completely changing right now..." I just can't help but think that... I feel blessed for these reminders as tough as they are some days. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind of life and miss out on God's wonders.... the beauty... your family and friends... life's short and can change completely in one second. You can go to bed one night after your mom has dropped you off and never see her alive again... it can happen... it happened to me... I just hope that April 2nd always has a profound affect on me. It keeps me," living in the now" (Wayne's world, Jon hates that I still quote Wayne's world.. classic) It helps me to reflect and feel the loss of my sweet and loving mom. Oh how I miss her. I long for the day when we can be together again. She can sip her mocha frappacino, listen to my stories and I can hear her tell me how proud she is of me... that will be a glorious day... night. Oh, and Kevin fell asleep finally...