All I Really Want For Christmas Music Video

Unfortunately for us, we got word this afternoon that we were not chosen for the little boy we were hoping for. The birth parents struggled very much with their decision. They loved both couples, but ended up feeling pulled toward the couple that was infertile. We are disappointed for sure, but I can't help but feel happy and joyful for the other couple. I cannot imagine being labeled infertile. I cannot imagine not having a Jake. I cannot begin to imagine how excited and overwhelmed this new adoptive mom must feel tonight. I feel good knowing this baby will be loved and so appreciated. My fertility issues have been a challenge and I have felt drained at times. However, I believe they have been a blessing and God has continued to show me other peoples' struggles and remind me of how lucky we are to have our little Jakester. We love and cherish him each day and are so thankful for our family! We are going to continue praying for God's strength and comfort. I know He has an amazing plan for us, far greater than we could possibly imagine.

This morning on the way to my nephew's birthday, I heard a song by Steven Curtis Chapman (who I love!) It is called All I Really Want for Christmas. To say I was crying while I listened is an understatement. I was meant to hear that song this morning and everything about my life and this process has made me believe even more that we are meant to adopt. Each experience we go through, only encourages me to push forward. I cannot wait to hold a baby in my arms. I feel anxious about having to wait again, but I know one day our nursery will be full again. It will be amazing and perfect.

Ode to the Paci'

This past week marked a pivotal time in Jake's life... mission: paci removal. Yes, he is 2 1/2 and still sleeps with a pacifier. Terrible I know... but he LOVES it. For a long time I stressed about it then realized that it was better than the thumb because I could just take it away when I thought he was ready... well he was ready this week. We began talking to him about how we would let paci go. We talked about paci heaven and how we could send them there. He told us he wanted to send them in a rectangle box to the post office. So, we first went on a paci hunt and rounded up all the paci's. Then, sealed the box and wrote a little note. Taped it up... he tried to un- tape it the minute he realized this was actually happening. It was kind of sad actually. He knew what was happening and his little lip curled right up and the tears began. We walked to the mailbox and talked about paci heaven and he put the box in himself. Then, as we walked back up the driveway we explained how proud of him we were and that a present was waiting inside!!! He was psyched... totally forgot about paci.. until bedtime... We did our usual routine. Read books, sang songs then said prayers... then he asked," Paci? Where did paci go?" My heart melted. Here we go I thought. We reexplained the whole story and he cried. We had to go in a few times to calm him down but every time it worked and finally after about 30 minutes he was asleep on his own without paci!! He only woke up once and that is because of his ears. He came out this morning and asked where paci was and we told him and he was fine with it. SUCCESS!!!! I feel so relieved that we don't have to worry about it anymore and happy that he feels good about it. Here is a photo tribute to our beloved paci....

Quick Update....

So, we recieved an email from our case worker that we will not find out what the birthparents have decided until next week. I was dying yesterday all day and soo anxious. So, at least now I know I have a week and I am not running for each phone call... planning to spend lots of time with family and decorate my house for Christmas!!! This always make me happy and will be a great distraction!!!!

Phew... sigh of relief

Last night we met the birthparents of the little boy we have been praying and hoping for. My phone has not stopped ringing today so I thought I would let everyone know a little about how it went. As I am sure I have said before we have been chosen along with another couple as the people they are considering. We found out yesterday that we were being interviewed second and that we would be waiting in a conference room until they other couple finished. This way it would not be ackward for anyone involved. I am thankful that are agency is so thoughtful about every little detail. As I waited there I had a continued flood of anxiety and excitement. I felt physically ill many times throughout the day and worried that I would just be an emotional wreck. I prayed for peace and a sense of calm throughout the meeting. We were called up and I cannot tell you the feelings I had as we walked up those steps... After introductions... and the first minute or so I felt it. Peace. I was relaxed and excited to talk about our lives and to get to know these brave and special people. It was amazing. The meeting (we don't think) could have gone any better. We learned a lot about them and really like each of them very much. It felt very natural talking to them and comfortable. We laughed many times and shared our hearts completely. Afterwards, we were so relieved and felt hopeful. Jon and I both agree that we can picture these people in our lives. At the same time, we have no idea how the other couple felt. Maybe they felt the same way? I know that if we are not chosen, this baby is just not a part of our story... I believe that completely. However, I also feel really good that we didn't hold back. We were honest, emotional and as real as we could be. At this point... it is back to waiting... the worst part for me!! Our case worker seems to think they will be making a decision "quickly." Although, this is not something you rush... so who knows? Keep the prayers and good thoughts comin'!!!

More than Ever

Today would have been my mom's 60th birthday. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her at least ten times. I am missing her intensely today. With everything going on with the adoption and Jake growing up and being so darn cute, I just want to share it all with her. I thought as a tribute to her birthday, I could remember sixty thoughts about her. Her favorite things, lessons she taught me, my memories etc.

1. She taught me how to love unconditionally
2. and to sew
3. She always played devil's advocate when I was mad at Mike or Nikki and explained their side of the story. It taught me many things about relationships and that there are two sides to every story.
4. A love for shoes... reasonably priced shoes... I remember she always loved shoes, but she rarely bought them for herself. Her favorite shoes were these comfy cute leather clogs. One of her expressions was," Buy the Shoes!"
5. A love for chocolate and sweets in general
6. A heart for others. My mother was always aware of others and was good at putting herself in their shoes. She was incredibly selfless.
7. Decorating: She loved it. She always said she wasn't "arty." She would be amazed by Nikki and Mike's talents, but I knew part of those talents came from her.
8. She loved her architectural digest magazine.
9. She loved mocha frappucino's!
10. I remember her cute work outfit once she started working again. Her white nurse pants and cheesy white sneakers.
11. I remember how she felt. She was always warm.
12. I will never forget her hands, because I have them. I look down sometimes and just stare. I know it's weird but it brings me comfort.
13. I'll never forget when my parents picked me up from my spring break trip and I was blabbing the whole way home about my trip. She looked right at me and said," Jo, you are somethin' else."
14. I won't forget the kind of mom she was to each of us. I never felt like she wanted to be anywhere but with us.
15. The way she took care of us when we were sick
16. The way she made our beds until late in life
17. The way she cooked dinners each night and we sat and ate as a family as often as possible
18. The way she loved the holidays and made them super special
19. Our Christmas Eve Party
20. Our trips to Ireland and the trip to Spain together
21. Seeing her cry when we went to her mother's grave, she rarely cried
22. Watching Oprah together (I would come home from college sometimes just to do that)
23. Her beef stroganoff, lasagna and spaghetti recipes
24. The way she made a Cesar salad
25. Her handbags, she had few but always loved when she got a "fancy" one
26. Her love for plates, which I have inherited
27. That she had the same bedspread for 20 years.. when asked when she would change it she would tell us "she hadn't found the right one" Now I understand that it just wasn't a priority.
28. Going to Calico corners
29. Her faint accent that came out strongly when we were in Ireland or when relatives called
30. Her love for all of my friends
31. How some of my friends would talk more to her than their own mom's
32. Our thoughtful and well planned gifts at birthdays or Christmas
33. When she started using "the web," I would get emails that just said, Hope you had a nice day!"
34. How she loved hearing my stories on the way home from student teaching. I would call her everyday and just blab about the kids... she couldn't get enough
35. How she began to enjoy her "empty nesting" and started doing things for herself finally
36. How my mom and dad always told us to be thankful for our siblings
37. The pride she felt about living in America
38. How we would talk on the phone constantly.. I would call her no joke 5 times a day at least in college. Even just for a quick question. I had to change her number on my cell to Nikki's after she passed for fear that I would call it by accident. It took me a long time to her name from my contact lists
39. How I truly felt the world stopped for her when you talked to her... she was a great listener.
40. Her simple and meaningful way of living
41. Her mother's purse, it was the only thing she had of her mom
42. Going to church together
43. Her 80's coat and skirt dresses
44. Her jewelry box and the way she explained why my letter to Santa was in there...
45. How protective she was of my heart when I was dating
46. If I was upset about something a boyfriend did or said she simply said, "eh... many more fish in the sea!" making it seem so easy to just dump him and find a better guy
47. How she told all of my friends that if you didn't enjoy and love the man you were with when you were dating, to find someone new... it only gets more real when your married
48. How she always made me feel safe
49. The way she searched for the perfect pair of staffordshire dogs for her mantel
50. When I took her tanning in college... and she loved it
51. The time when a restaurant, which was located very near my high school, wouldn't donate a gift card to a fundraiser and she refused to go back! Even though it was a family favorite.
52. The way she would chop up veggies really small or separate my food for me. I must have been such an annoying toddler with all my food issues. Now, I really appreciate that!
53. How she always bought little things for us when she was out. She always thought of us.
54. How she bragged to her friends about us.
55. The day my dad called the house in Indiana and told us we were moving to New Jersey... she sat on the floor with me and held me when I cried...I have very few memories of Indiana because we moved when I was seven, but I remember that..
56. Her funny little Irish sayings that no one understood but us. Her sayings in general actually... "It doesn't go up with you!" that one is still my favorite.
57. The way she hung her Christmas cards, I do this now and it makes me feel so special each year
58. Her love for socks... on days when I miss her... all I need to do is put on a pair of moms socks and I feel better... have some on right now...
59. The last night we had together (the night before she passed) She came to an event I was hosting at my University. It was called RAD (Rape Aggressive Defense). I told her that we'd be kicking and punching and thought she may not like it. Then, there she is... all dressed up with her fake burberry bag, cute scarf and heels. Ready to go... She had so much fun. She was the only parent who came. It started at 9PM and didn't end until 10:30. She worked in the morning and I thought she should head home and she said," let's go grab a bite... you look hungry.." She knew me well, I had skipped dinner from the stress of planning the event. So, there we sat for at least an hour chatting and eating gross cafeteria food. Friends would walk by and I would introduce them to her. She loved just being in my scene and you could tell how proud of me she was. She always made me feel like she was proud of me. Afterwards, she gave me a lift home and we sat in the car for a little and chatted. Finally, I forced her to go home because it was midnight or later. Before I got out she pulled my arm back in and said,"Jo, make sure this year is about YOU. You are always doing things for others and you need to take care of yourself..." I replied with something like," Yeah yeah Ma'," gave her a kiss and hopped out of the car. If I only knew it would be our last conversation... the things I would have said...
60. Lastly, everything... I remember everything... I think it is a blessing from God that I remember so much and I am thankful. I never want to forget anything...
Happy Birthday Ma'

Need these tonight...

Tonight, I cannot sleep for the thoughts and day dreams (is it daydreaming if it is midnight?) I am having of the baby that will be in our family some day. I find my comfort in God and cannot imagine this process without his presence. I needed these verses and other thoughts tonight... thought I'd share in case someone out there needs them tonight too. Waiting is the hardest part...
- Patience with others is love, patience with self is hope and patience with God is faith
- Be still and know that I am God.
- Wait on the Lord. Be of good courage and he shall strengthen they heart. Wait, I say on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Honestly.... Ahhhhh

So... Yesterday we received a phone call from the adoption agency! The birth parents have narrowed down their family profiles to just two families and WE ARE ONE OF THEM!!! We get to meet the birth parents on Monday night in Delaware. I am over the moon with emotions. I feel nervous, excited, joyful, scared... you name it. One minute I feel like I need to run into the attic and start washing baby clothes... the next I feel like I should do nothing and let God just take over. It is a crazy roller coaster. I am very anxious to see what Monday's meeting is like. I know God is greater than all the words I will say, but I am nervous I will say something too much or not say enough... Our adoption case worker informed us that some families bring gifts as well as photo albums or anything that would help them get to know us better. Where do you start?? I was thinking of making the birth mom an ornament with an angel on it and the baby's birth date? A friend told me to bake and bring cookies which I thought was a great ice breaker... not sure about that stuff yet. I also think I may make a mini photo album that they can take with them?? Like a scrapbook page or two... I know all of these details are insignificant and God already has chosen a place for this child... selfishly I want it to be US!!! It is all so exciting to me and I can't believe it is happening so fast. Even if this child doesn't end up as our own, I will always remember these emotions and this experience. I will keep everyone posted. Say some prayers!

Round Here...

Jake and I have been busy crafting and playing. Here are some of my recent projects and some of his fun too. I have needed a new and bigger nightstand since we moved into this house. I gave Jon the nice big one because you see his side of the bed when you walk by our room. I have been using this tiny table and my books, notebooks and craft stuff just won't fit... It is embarrassing most days and I won't show you a before and after because it is too bad... But I finally have one...

Project nightstand Re-do

Found this gross old table... (okay trash picked it, don't judge me)

Took off the weird and super sticky contact paper

Tada! No more sticky... now to the paint...

So glad I had a "Bob Villa," for a dad because I stripped, sanded and stained this baby ALL by myself... Go Me. Now, I have a big nightstand too!

Jake Fun: Full day as Superman!

Superman Vaccuming

Superman Eating,"Um... Mommy.. I .. am reading?"

Snuggling... Jake and I love to snuggle and the cold weather makes it more often!Helping DaddyWrestling Daddy... notice a theme.. been LOVING his Daddy!

New Hair

I go cycles where I like my hair really long ... then I want it really short. It never ends. I last cut my hair short when Jake was about 9 months old, so it has been awhile. I did it again... I LOVE it. It feels amazing to not have hair everywhere. It looks good straight and plain too. Love, Love, Love...pictures taken by me and no make up.. be kind..

Thank Goodness for Etsy

I have been loving etsy.com I recently set up shop and have already completed almost 15 orders between etsy, friends and family. I have sent orders to California, Maine, New York, Maryland and even Singapore!!! It is really keeping my mind occupied during this crazy phase in our life. Here are some of my recent orders...

Just a chance at a miracle

So, Monday morning our adoption profile was officially "activated." Which basically means we entered the matching phase!!!!! Around 1:00 Monday I get an email and the subject is...possible opportunity. I can't begin to explain how I felt. It is the same feeling that I had when I saw the word pregnant with Jake... amazing! The email explained that a little baby boy had been born on 11/6 in Delaware and needed a home. He is in good health and is over 6 lbs. and 18 inches long. He is Caucasian and his mom is 22. I don't know much more than that at this point. We agreed to have our profile shown and now we are just waiting to hear. The agency did not have this girl's information before the birth so there is a slightly different process with this child than with a pregnant mom. t may take a little longer or be more complicated. At this moment he is living with a wonderful Bethany foster family until the mother chooses a family. So, hopefully sooner rather than later... To say that we are excited at this opportunity is an understatement. I am overjoyed and overwhelmed. I have not been able to focus since I receive the email. It is hard because I know we are likely to be disappointed and I am not counting on receiving this child. I am trying to protect my heart as much as possible, but it is not in my nature to not think about it and start planning... Jon is the pinnacle of strength as usual. Thank God for that! I will keep everyone up to date as I know more details. The agency said that if we are picked, we would be living in Delaware for at least a week and might have him in a few days!!!! Say some prayers!!!

Trick or Treat

This Halloween was so much fun with our Jakers. We started the day out visiting Pop and Gigi at Aunt Courtney's regatta near Philly. It was a beautiful morning and he enjoyed being with his grandparents and yelling," Go Courtney!" He also brought his bike to show Pop Pop how he rides. He was so proud to show off his new skills. The second he saw my dad, he started riding really fast. It was adorable. Aunt Courtney's is the coxswain (in the back)Using gigi's chair (of course he wore his costume)riding his bike and showin' offLove this picture

Then after a quick nap in the car, we started the Halloween festivities. He really understood what was going on yhis year and was sooo excited to walk with friends and trick or "tweat". We first walked with our friends, Heather and Drew and his best buddy, Alex. Then, Jake got tired and thirsty after about 30 mins. or so. After a little break, we had our neighbors from across the street come over and invite Jake out for round two. He suddenly got a second wind and out he went. He loved his train conductor (doctor as he says) costume and was saying "All aboard," "Ding Ding," and "Choo choo chugga chugga" all day. I think his favorite part though, was giving out candy at the door. To wrap up our fun filled day, Popple, Uncle Rick, Aunt Janet and Kimmy came over for pizza. What a Halloween!

My cheesebugga