Mom

Not having a mom, just ...plain ...stinks. I'm just going to come right out and say it. Lately, I have been working on being completely transparent... So here it is. The good, the bad and the ugly people. Tonight, I miss her terribly. You've heard of heartache, maybe you have felt it. If you haven't... Ugh, it actually hurts. My chest feels tight and there is a throbbing that only goes away with time, prayer and for me blogging and crying.  For almost ten years now, I have worked tirelessly to be positive, optimistic and happy about my current family structure. However, some days...it's work. Some days, I just want to cry. Other days, I wake up and think... Yup, she is really still gone and this really still stinks...  And other days, it would be nice to just stop for a few hours and feel sorry for myself.

 I dreamt my life another way. I planned on her being here. I planned on her being at my college graduation, at the other end of the phone when I called to say," he asked me to marry him!" I planned on her helping me pick out my wedding gown. I definetely planned on her meeting my kids and being a big part of their lives. I planned a lot of things. However, life is not about what we have planned. It's actually quite the opposite.

I have learned a lot these past nine years. I've learned that you can make the most of a terrible situation if you have God on your side. I've learned that people you thought you knew, can change dramatically. I've learned what is important and that life on earth is very short, but meaningful.  I've learned that I'm really good at avoiding big hurt. I've learned that I'm going to be the best wife, mother and grandmother these boys could ever imagine.

I'm going to continue tirelessly to be positive and look up as often as possible. God is a good, loving God. This I believe. Although, I would have had it a very different way... I am blessed. I have much to praise Him for and I am thankful for the perspective I have gained through my grief. It still stinks, but everyday is a step closer to my eternity with her. I want to leave a legacy just as she did. I want to be real...and present as often as possible. Speaking of the present, it is way too late ...especially when you have three little boys that wake up early for pancakes! So on with life I go...