Curve Ball

Life to me is a series of curve balls. I love and loath the unpredictability that life can bring, but I know that God is consistent throughout it all. I am typically someone who can see the bright side of things amidst the curve balls. I consider myself a pretty positive person. I know God has an amazing plan for me and my family and I try to remember that during hard times. Lately, my positivity has been challenged. Jon and I have been struggling with fertility for a while now. We have been trying for number two for almost a year and a half now. Hard to believe it has been that long and yet I know that some people struggle for years more... I hesitated to write about all of this for that simple fact, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't share the story. We were moved to a fertility specialist about three months ago. It has definitely been a learning experience and has opened my eyes in many ways. We have been pretty conservative so far, but this month we took some leaps. We are hoping the new procedures will give us better odds. Fertility to me is particularly challenging. It seems to give me a false sense of control. I know that no matter what we choose to do, God is all powerful. I trust in Him and know that everything is for the good. However, my heart aches for another little one. I long to rock and sing to a new baby, smell the newness that is so amazing, see Jake as a big brother and watch my family grow. I long to see the features of Jon and I in a new person, attempt to find a name that we think is perfect, use my click and go again and I even miss middle of the night awakenings. As much as they were tiring, I loved them. There is nothing better than feeding a baby then rocking as the rest of the world sleeps. (remind me of this if I am lucky enough to experience it again) I am not in a depressed state about our situation, all thanks to God. However, I have seen little changes in my daily routines or the way I am thinking that show me, I am challenged. I thank God for the husband he has given me. Jon is steadfast in his faith that God will help us now matter which path he chooses for us. I love that I have a constant source of strength in him. I don't know what I would do without him. Jon and I have also begun the adoption process which we had planned all along. We were going to adopt our third anyway, so we have just begun a little earlier!! It too is an amazing process to go through and I have learned a lot about myself, my husband and my family just through beginning the process. It is wonderful. Either way, I have hope that I will one day hold a precious one again... until then I will snuggle this little bot every chance I get and hold him like a baby when he lets me! "I not baby mommy... I big boy!!"