An Anxious Heart

We are two days away from finding out if we are pregnant this month. I have felt such peace this month and felt God's presence with me in times of anixety or worry. Although, this week my mind seems to be winning the battle again. It is frustrating to me that I can't just completely give our fertility issues to God. I feel like I am 95 % there, but this little 5% wants to control it and today the 5% is rearing it's ugly head. It took all my faith and strength to avoid CVS and pregnancy tests today. I am dying... This month alone, I have reorganized almost every cabinet in my kitchen, the playroom, painted my shutters as well as the front door among many deep cleanings throughout the entire house. All to keep myself distracted. Tonight, I am worried that another negative blood test will be the straw that broke the camels back. And although my faith keeps me strong and God continues to remind me he is in control, it is tough. Today I was praying on the way to the park that things would just line up. Everything would come into "order," and that it would be amazing. At that exact moment I looked at my odometer. (why? I don't know) My mileage 34,567. All lined up. I took it as a sign from Him that he is listening and that He is my odometer. The defintition of an odometer is an instrument for recording elasped distance. Therefore the act of turning back your odometer or moving it forward, is considered fraud. By trying to control the distance I have traveled I have committed fraud. I know I am human and vulnerable to these thoughts, but I wish I could just trust... everyday... al day long... here's to continuing to try... in more ways than one!!

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look around you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10