Home

I am a music fan. I just can't get through my day without it. I listen to it while I clean, read, run, play and even when I need some, "quiet," time. I just couldn't live without it. I am a sucker for lyrics and I truly savor a good love song. However, more important to me than love songs... is the fact that I can always find song lyrics that explain exactly how I feel at any given moment.

The ten year anniversary of my mom's passing was yesterday. It's just one day of the 3, 650 that I have had without her. Twenty four hours of the 87,600 hours that I have had without her. However, it is never an easy day for me. There are other tough days...her birthday, the holidays and any major milestone in my life good or bad. It's just not the same without her. Hard to explain that ten years later it would still feel.... different. Hard to explain how when I am having a brand new experience that it still feels different. The best way to explain it is an analogy. I'm a visual person, so for me it's like a home. Home is your comfort place... your sanctuary. Or at least for me it has always been. Now, imagine being forced to live in a very different home... all of a sudden... the way it feels, smells, looks all different. Your view out of the windows... different. My mom made me feel like, "home." She was my greatest source of strength, comfort and peace that I had in my life. It was she who I called when I need some reassurance or understanding. It was she who I called when there was no one else to call. She was the glue that held my family and I together. That too feels different now. We've found a new normal... but it's different. It's not home. I have come to learn that having someone as your greatest source of strength... whether it be your husband, mother or best friend. Is purely a recipe for dissapointment. People dissapoint. People change. People are selfish, purposefully or not. People die, sometimes suddenly. Jesus Christ is my new sense of security. He is always there. Always listening and comforting me. I would certainly be a lost soul without him.

 I have come to realize in the past few years that," her passing," is not the way I really think of it.... believe it to be. She is home. She is in the home that we all have access to. There is no time, tears or sorrow in Heaven. So.... as hard as it is for me to imagine, she is already with me. We are probablly sitting on the couch watching Oprah together at this very moment. Or chatting on the phone as we often did. I'm jealous of future me!!! She is home. The place I will one day be. I found a song by Michael Buble (insert making fun here) called Home. Although it is a love song, it explains just how I feel sometimes living this motherless life I live. April 2nd, 2003 my mom went home. I long to be with her again... however God has me here right now. When I feel home sick, I do what I feel He has me here to do. I count my blessings... I smile... I try and laugh off my worries and I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and neighbor the best way I can be. The way Jesus would want me to be.

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In either Paris or Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
And let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know"

 

Oh and Easter pics on the way...