Random thoughts tonight... While driving in the car tonight a song came on the radio that has the ability to stop me in my tracks every time. I am a lover of music and have always been moved by the feelings and stories behind an artists lyrics. This particular song just speaks right to my heart and it feels as if someone has heard my "life story" and put it to song. When my mom passed suddenly my senior year of college, life as I knew or understood it, ended. A gaping hole was left in my chest and it ached to be filled. For the first time in my life I understood the term heartache. As the lyrics say.."the sacred is torn from your life"... I looked for quick ways to fill that hole for a few years. Thankfully nothing crazy... Soda mainly..(Kidding) but all my so called “fillers” left me right back where I started...empty. Don`t misunderstand me. I had a wonderfully supportive family, tons of friends and a loving boyfriend. However, my mother filled something inside of me that no one or no thing could. I've come to learn that even she wasn't filling it, but at the time..given the circumstance...I assumed it was just mom that I was missing. I was missing something much bigger.
I'll jump ahead a few years.... After moving to Jerz, I attended a grief share group. At this group, I met a small group of women. All of these women were at least thirty years older than me. So at first I thought...how can I relate to these women? As I got to know them and we worked through our grief together (every Tuesday night for almost two years) I grew to love, respect and completely understand how we related... We had all felt the earth shattering feeling of losing a loved one. We had all looked for "fillers." We had all cried until our eyes stung. We had all wondered how we would continue living. It didn't matter whether we had lost all four of our brothers, a husband after sixty years of marriage, a two year old baby boy or a mother... We were lost souls navigating our way through this life while grieving.
As similar as we were.... There was a major difference. They had something I didn't. As the weeks passed I wanted it. They had an almost tangible peace about them. They had a calm that I felt as I entered our room each week. They had a positive, consistent manner about them that I didn't understand. I knew I needed it. We would open and close each session with prayer. This was new and very uncomfortable to me. My prayer time, if any, was private. I had never prayed out loud. I thought only priests did that! At first I could barely even focus on the prayers because I was usually anxious and full of emotions after discussing my mom and my situation. As I became more comfortable and began to participate in prayer... I listened and would often open my eyes halfway through to sneak a peek at these women. All were smiling, holding hands...calm, happy... Speaking to God as if he were listening this very moment. As if he was their friend...father even... I admit I was confused. As weeks passed I realized, asked and learned that all of these women had "accepted" christ as their saviour...and had a relationship with him. What??? This sounded three dimensional and weird to me. I pulled the leader aside one night to ask her about it. She walked me through it mentally. I was blown away. I had never looked at God as someone who could be with me all the time, be in me as the holy spirit.... Bizzaro...and awesome all at the same time. I wanted that. Everything in life was so inconsistent...so unreliable... So temporary... I wanted more than that. I wanted that inner peace. I wanted an understanding that no matter what life sent my way in the future, He would "hold me through it." I asked her to help me pray for it. Ask God for it....so she did and we held hands, cried and prayed.
It may sound strange, surreal, not possible.... But since that very day... I have it. I have Him. I have peace and calm about my circumstances. My life is far from perfect... It is full of ups and downs..The difference is that I now seek God through it all, He provides comfort. Of course I struggle... I'm human. I cry, get angry, get frustrated. However, with each life decision or situation, I have a peace that is beyond my own understanding. I have too many examples to note, but one simple way He provided comfort to me instantly was physically. I was prone to anxiety. I use to take anti-anxiety meds to control it. Haven't needed a pill since that day. I share this tonight, to remind myself of who or where I was before that night. I'm thankful and I now know what it feels like to be held. My heart still aches... But like a jar, it is full. Everything else in this life is just extra filler to me now...it just spills right over the top. Icing on the cake as they say. None of it necessary, but all of it enjoyed!
Here are the lyrics to the song...
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
Loves his feet
and being cute
Jake and Daddy hanging his new bird feeder, thanks Rick and Janet!
Waffle monster
Sweetie post bath. He loves if I sing to him while I dry him
Our new kitchen table and chairs! love them
This is what our "walks" look like now
Loves floss...
Just precious
"Cheese!" Will got his first buzz cut
As I 'm sure all moms do.. I struggle with mommy guilt sometimes. I sometimes let my emotions get the best of me and feel bad for Jake having to deal with two babies all the time. I know he was meant to have these little brothers for more reasons than I can fathom I'm sure! However, every so often I feel the need to do something special with him. Just Jake and Mommy. This past weekend Pottery Barn was having a cute little Dr. Suess story hour and I thought...perfect! It was during the babies afternoon nap time and I thought Jon would like a wee snoooze too. 
Jake has been requesting a sister lately. Ha.... is all I have to say about that! Life is insane right now. Fun, but insane. I can't even imagine having another baby any time soon. Says the girl who wanted ten kids... prior to having one of course! I have dreams of adopting a little girl one day, but at this point that's all they are...dreams! For now, I am savoring the testosterone, energy filled house I have and trying to be the best mom I can be!
We bought Jake a set of drums and a kid size set of real golf clubs for his birthday. That's right... drums. He and Will absoluetely love them. 
irthday!!!!
