Humbled...

Three boys under four years old has proven to be a VERY humbling experience. Prior to having kids.. and while I was teaching ...I thought I was a super patient, "easy going," person. Boy was I naive. I thought I'd have six, eight... ten kids. No problem. If I can manage twenty plus eight year olds... I could have a couple kids, right? Easy!

Then, I became a mom. Thankfully, the positive aspects of my personality work well with this job. I love kids. I also love to read to them, teach them things, play and be silly too. Snuggling and singing to them, picking out their clothes, tending to them when they are sick, making them laugh, teaching them manners... these are things I am good at and thoroughly enjoy. However, I have learned there are some experiences or, "mommy jobs," that I'm not so good at. For example... listening to hours of crying during sleep training, dealing with whining from a toddler who is overtired, teaching a one year old not to throw food, acid reflux in general... Just to name a few...It's definitely not an easy job. I love it, but like any job there are parts that are not so pleasant.

Motherhood has taken my flaws and insecurities and put them on center stage. For example... I didn't think I cared about what other people thought of me. Especially, people I don't know. I was wrong. The first time I had to walk through Target with a screaming child in my shopping cart is an experience I will never forget. I cared... I shouldn't have, but the red spots on my chest and sweaty, disheveled exterior showed that I cared. I've learned not to care. I still get embarrassed and stressed sometimes, but for the most part I've realized that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me or my children's behavior. I know them best and I know what they need. This is just one way that being a mom has humbled me and forced me to be a better version of myself.

The wonderful thing about being a mom is that the great moments far out way the tough ones. It truly is a beautiful experience to raise a child. To hold their small hands, hear their first words, witness true kindness from their little hearts, listen to them sing, hear them say I love you... the list goes on...it's priceless. However, it is far more difficult and far more amazing than I ever could have dreamed. Jon and I often just look at each other and laugh at the absurdness of our life right now. We tried," going out to dinner," tonight. Ha! Panera first of all...in a corner booth far from civilization... two babies melting down and a four year old upset because he had water instead of milk... Oy...We just laughed, ate, and got out of their as soon a possible. It is a precious, but wild ride! I find myself truly living for the day right now. Trying to find some sort of life balance and trying my best to stay as patient and positive as possible. Prayer helps...God always answers and quickly refreshes my mind. All this little chaos just seems so important right now. I try to remind myself that it is a fleeting period of time and the methods to the madness are not what matter. It is the meaning behind everything that does. Teaching my children to be lover's of God and not the world, to be thoughtful, kind, humble, gracious... that is what matters...but, boy do time outs, tantrums and tattling get in the way of that! I love being a mom and I want to be a great one. Here's to another day of trying!

I have a few picture updates... mostly from my phone. That's where we are at right now. If I actually have a second, I snap a quick pic.

Dress Shopping!!

Today the ladies from the Sharp gang are going dress shopping!!! That's right... Abby is engaged!! We are all so excited. Thomas, her fiance', is wonderful and I can't wait to call him my brother in llaw. We are heading out to a little ladies lunch then the shopping begins!!! Oh... the twins and Kevin are coming of course... our third arms...

Gotta get out the energy somehow...

Just a little taste...

Mommy... can we have a sister?

Jake has been requesting a sister lately. Ha.... is all I have to say about that! Life is insane right now. Fun, but insane. I can't even imagine having another baby any time soon. Says the girl who wanted ten kids... prior to having one of course! I have dreams of adopting a little girl one day, but at this point that's all they are...dreams! For now, I am savoring the testosterone, energy filled house I have and trying to be the best mom I can be!

We have been up to the usual around here. Keeping ourselves busy that's for sure. The babies are growing up so quick. Will is pretty much walking now and that brings its own set of challenges. He is also getting into everything and thinks/wants to do everything Jake does. Will has a love for food like I have never seen. The grocery store is sheer torture for him. I have to be well prepared with snacks before I get there. Kevin is awake more often now and is sleeping better all around. He is also cooing up a storm. He is in such a cute stage! Jake is really maturing and I can see his brain at work more and more every day. The questions and thoughts he has just blow me away.

I'm still feeling stretched to the max most days. Don't think that feeling will be going away any time soon. Trying to find time for each child, my husband and myself... has proved to be very challenging. I try to remember that God has his hands all over this and Jon and I are so blessed to have these beautiful little boys. Even when I think I just can't do enough or they are just driving me crazy.... I know I am the perfect mom for these boys and they are perfect for me. These type of thoughts bring me back to a positive mind set and it really helps! We recently moved the treadmill into our bedroom so I've been trying to walk/run occasionally while I watch mindless TV. That's helping a wee bit too. My new years resolution is to get healthy and cut back on soda. I also want to start attempting a "date night," for Jon and I. We definitely need a little quiet time other than at night when we are both exhausted. That's all for now. I hear the call of the wild...gotta run.

Here are a few picture and video updates.

Jake's class celebrating his birthday!

Little Kev developing a look all his own.... handsome little guy if you ask me!

We bought Jake a set of drums and a kid size set of real golf clubs for his birthday. That's right... drums. He and Will absoluetely love them.

Double diaper duty around here... this is what changing time looks like.

Four Years Old... Really?

Ugh, I could cry even typing the title to this post. Gone are the days of Jake telling people he is "Fwee..." Oh how I will miss hearing him say that. Yup, tears have started. My biggest is four, or will be tomorrow. We celebrated his birthday over the weekend with family and some friends at the local bowling alley. He requested that he have a bowling party about six months ago and hasn't stopped talking about it since. He also couldn't wait to go to Party City. I guess he thought it was an actual city because he was very disappointed to learn it was just a store! I realized this year how much our little world of friends has expanded because I had to choose, "groups," of his friends instead of everyone. This was a nice feeling in a way. We are always so busy with babies over here and sometime I feel overwhelmed by the fact that we don't get out much. When I look at his little world though, he has a lot of friends and it makes me smile. We invited his "school friends, family friends and neighborhood friends," this year. Which ended up being quite a few, but it was a blast!

Jake was so excited to see everyone and he couldn't contain himself on the way to the party. He was yelling," Why aren't we there yet??... the whole way there. Keep in mind it is maybe a ten minute drive. We talked to him this year about how to show thankfulness to his friends for coming and I was so proud to see him get up and greet his friends and make sure to say goodbye before they left. It was adorable. At one point he barreled down the lane to run and say goodbye to one of his buddies. The kids seemed to love bowling and they actually played the whole time. I was shocked. Afterwards, we had our family back to help us finish off the left over and open presents. Jake was psyched to get some new toys and hasn't stopped playing them since we opened them.

My little boy...four. Feels like yesterday that Jon was videotaping me saying," Alright Buddy, we are heading to the hospital because you are ready to arrive!" Ugh... Jake you have brought more joy to my life than I could have ever anticipated. Motherhood began for me the day I saw the word pregnant and I love it a little more each day! I am proud of the boy you have become and love being around you. You are a sweet, lovable, kind boy and my favorite thing to do is play with you and your brothers. At night, after Daddy has read you books and played angry birds for a few minutes with you...I get to sing to you and tuck you in. As tired as I am some nights, I can't wait until I close that door and say," I love you more than (fill in the blank)... last night it was "I love you more than bowling parties!" And you never fail to beat me by saying..." I love you more than everything in this world!"The way you say world with your little south jersey accent get me every time! You tell me you love me at least ten times a day and I hope that never ends!!!

Jake at Four:

- You are incredibly competitive which you don't get from me and you LOVE sports.

- You would play games all day if you could.

- You eat out of necessity and never want to miss a thing.

- You love life and bring joy to everyone around you.

- Knock knock jokes are a favorite past time of yours.

- In the car, you ask a million questions about the world. Although some days, they can be exhausting.... you have a natural curiosity and love for learning that I hope stays.

- Your favorite color is orange and everything is orange.

- You have endless energy that always amazes us.

- You played soccer this fall and begin wiffle ball this Saturday. They are your favorite activities by far!

- If you were allowed to you would be outside with your neighborhood friends all day. You guys play hockey, baseball and basketball in the street every chance you get.

- Your teacher is Miss Jeannie and you love show and tell!

- You like to wear your "easy shoes," which are slip ons.

- You love to dance still and now like to play instruments. Hence, the drum set you got for your birthday.

- At night when Daddy comes home... you always want to wrestle and are so sweet to always include Will.

- You like to help out around the house. Especially with Daddy when he fixes things.

- You love watching sports with Daddy... especially hockey!

- You are so patient when we are dealing with the babies. I know it has to be hard and you try so hard to wait nicely.

- You still claim you cant dress yourself...we're working on that one!

- Your favorite toy is the Phillies bean bag toss game.

- You wear 3t or 4t pants and 5t shirts and have a size 9 shoe.

- You still can't stand hair cuts... but your getting better.

--You pray each night for your friends and often ask about heaven and "the angels."

- Mac and cheese is Mac and go cheese!

- Our computer is the cuter...

- And you are obsessed with the show wipeout and the idea of "adventure courses." You create them all day long!!

We love you with all of our hearts biggest boy... Happy birthday!!!!

Picture and Video Update

Don't have much time around here these days... but, don't want to forget these cute moments.

Spending time with Aunt Nikki and Sean and their house

These boys need daily baths... interesting bathing three boys! By the end I am usually soaked and exhausted.

Daddy took a few days off and we LOVED it! I wish he would take time off more often. We loved out "staycation days."

Being lazy... we are home 90% of the time now. Home is just easier right now. Plus, Jake always loves our "home days," and that makes me smile.

Jake's getting pretty good at making babies feel better when they are hungry or tired.

We had a cleaning lady during Kevin's pregnancy because I was so sick. Her services lingered for a few months longer than they were supposed too...then, we had to let her go.... miss you Olga!!! On the bright side....Cleaning dance parties are back!

Medium boy is soo funny. He can walk, but very much prefers crawling. I am fine with that!! He is growing up WAY to fast!

And more dance parties...

This is how it is...

Random thoughts tonight... While driving in the car tonight a song came on the radio that has the ability to stop me in my tracks every time. I am a lover of music and have always been moved by the feelings and stories behind an artists lyrics. This particular song just speaks right to my heart and it feels as if someone has heard my "life story" and put it to song. When my mom passed suddenly my senior year of college, life as I knew or understood it, ended. A gaping hole was left in my chest and it ached to be filled. For the first time in my life I understood the term heartache. As the lyrics say.."the sacred is torn from your life"... I looked for quick ways to fill that hole for a few years. Thankfully nothing crazy... Soda mainly..(Kidding) but all my so called “fillers” left me right back where I started...empty. Don`t misunderstand me. I had a wonderfully supportive family, tons of friends and a loving boyfriend. However, my mother filled something inside of me that no one or no thing could. I've come to learn that even she wasn't filling it, but at the time..given the circumstance...I assumed it was just mom that I was missing. I was missing something much bigger.
I'll jump ahead a few years.... After moving to Jerz, I attended a grief share group. At this group, I met a small group of women. All of these women were at least thirty years older than me. So at first I thought...how can I relate to these women? As I got to know them and we worked through our grief together (every Tuesday night for almost two years) I grew to love, respect and completely understand how we related... We had all felt the earth shattering feeling of losing a loved one. We had all looked for "fillers." We had all cried until our eyes stung. We had all wondered how we would continue living. It didn't matter whether we had lost all four of our brothers, a husband after sixty years of marriage, a two year old baby boy or a mother... We were lost souls navigating our way through this life while grieving.
As similar as we were.... There was a major difference. They had something I didn't. As the weeks passed I wanted it. They had an almost tangible peace about them. They had a calm that I felt as I entered our room each week. They had a positive, consistent manner about them that I didn't understand. I knew I needed it. We would open and close each session with prayer. This was new and very uncomfortable to me. My prayer time, if any, was private. I had never prayed out loud. I thought only priests did that! At first I could barely even focus on the prayers because I was usually anxious and full of emotions after discussing my mom and my situation. As I became more comfortable and began to participate in prayer... I listened and would often open my eyes halfway through to sneak a peek at these women. All were smiling, holding hands...calm, happy... Speaking to God as if he were listening this very moment. As if he was their friend...father even... I admit I was confused. As weeks passed I realized, asked and learned that all of these women had "accepted" christ as their saviour...and had a relationship with him. What??? This sounded three dimensional and weird to me. I pulled the leader aside one night to ask her about it. She walked me through it mentally. I was blown away. I had never looked at God as someone who could be with me all the time, be in me as the holy spirit.... Bizzaro...and awesome all at the same time. I wanted that. Everything in life was so inconsistent...so unreliable... So temporary... I wanted more than that. I wanted that inner peace. I wanted an understanding that no matter what life sent my way in the future, He would "hold me through it." I asked her to help me pray for it. Ask God for it....so she did and we held hands, cried and prayed.
It may sound strange, surreal, not possible.... But since that very day... I have it. I have Him. I have peace and calm about my circumstances. My life is far from perfect... It is full of ups and downs..The difference is that I now seek God through it all, He provides comfort. Of course I struggle... I'm human. I cry, get angry, get frustrated. However, with each life decision or situation, I have a peace that is beyond my own understanding. I have too many examples to note, but one simple way He provided comfort to me instantly was physically. I was prone to anxiety. I use to take anti-anxiety meds to control it. Haven't needed a pill since that day. I share this tonight, to remind myself of who or where I was before that night. I'm thankful and I now know what it feels like to be held. My heart still aches... But like a jar, it is full. Everything else in this life is just extra filler to me now...it just spills right over the top. Icing on the cake as they say. None of it necessary, but all of it enjoyed!

Here are the lyrics to the song...

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Christmas

Christmas is by far my favorite time of the year. Everyone for the most part is jolly and in good spirits. I love entertaining and having company and the house just feels warmer all around. Having three boys made it that much more fun! I am a big fan of traditions so we continued a few things we have started and made a few new along the way. Leading up to Christmas day, Jon and I like to teach Jake about Jesus's birth and focus our bible time with him more on that special day. We also enjoy Santa and his generous spirit and the way he too can help us celebrate! This year I showed Jake a Veggie Tales movie on the true story of St. Nicholas. It was wonderful and we both really enjoyed. Hoping to make that a new tradition as Will and Kevin get older and understand more. We used our advent calendar which Jake was really into this year. Had breakfast with Santa and Poppel. Jake and his cousins went to their annual movie day with Mommel. We attended Christmas Eve service, left out cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer and wrapped the doorways to our family room so we could burst through on Christmas morning. My personal favorite. This year was the first year we started sharing Christmas with both sides of the family. Up until this year we have rotated holidays. Last year, we did Thanksgiving in New Jersey and were scheduled for Christmas in Baltimore. Then, Will arrived!!! This year we tried something new that we would like to do each year from now on. We did Christmas Eve here with Jon's side of the family and early Christmas morning here as our little fam then headed down to Baltimore afterwards. It worked out really nicely. We spent all of Christmas day and night there then headed home. We were all tired, but it was worth it to celebrate with everyone we love!

A Special Celebration

Yesterday marked one year since our little William was born. I just can't believe it has been a year. Seems so surreal. I always knew I wanted to adopt a child. I knew that I would. However, I never knew just how much I would love and adore him. I never knew that it would feel exactly the same as having your own. I never knew that his life would open my eyes to a whole new world called open adoption. I never knew I would welcome his birth mother into our life and adore her too. I never knew that he would change my soul forever. I am so lucky God has chose us as his parents and he as our son. Will is a sweet and lovable little boy. His smile melts my heart and when I hold him I can't help but squeeze him and kiss his chubby little cheeks. He is as loud as a lion and as cuddly as a bear. He is just precious to Jon and I. Happy Birthday medium boy!!

Christmas Concert

Jake had his first chorus concert Friday night. His school put on a little Christmas concert and it was adorable. Jake was placed right in front of the stage on the floor. It made me think of my mom. She used to drive me nuts telling me over and over again to stand in the middle of pictures...I was always shoved and moved out of the way in group shots I guess... I was a little bit of a push over growing up...So, I was proud to see my Jakers right smack in the middle. We had perfect view of our little Wigglesworth...I was a little worried though because he showed his true self and wiggled and stretched throughout the entire show. Poor kid has Jon's restless leg syndrome for sure! It was a riot. Jon and I were cracking up. He was also way more into watching the kids around him then the audience... totally Jake... no notice of others what so ever... love it. He also had to wear a headband that kept itching him and falling down in his eyes... His teacher caught my eye and made a funny itching motion.... such an "itcher" my biggest boy is...ugh, it was cute. She kindly removed it after the second song because it became obvious that it was driving him nuts. During the third or fourth song, I guess he was getting stiff so he decided it was an excellent time for a full body stretch across the floor! Once again, his teacher and I were dying... My Jakers... never ceases to make me laugh! As much as his lack of inhibition drives me insane some days... I hope he never loses it.

Tis the Reason...

This week is slightly more overwhelming than most. With Christmas soon approaching, ornament orders rolling in and Will's first birthday party being on Sunday, I feel a little nutty. I feel like Tom Cruise from Jerry Maquire in the scene where he freaks out.... well not exactly, but that is a great scene and I often think of it when I'm overwhelmed and it makes me laugh.
I am very excited for Will's birthday. A little in disbelief that it has been a year... brings me back to all the fertility issues and adoption appts. and then to those first few days and it still feels like a movie sometimes. We are just so lucky. Will's birth mother and a few of her friends are coming to his party this year. I have to admit that it makes me feel a little more pressured to have things perfect. However, I was telling Jon about how I was feeling this weekend and he admitted to feeling a little the same. That made me feel better. We are very excited to share more of Will's life with her, but we both just feel that we want our enormous love for him to show that day. I know that sounds silly. I know it naturally will show through our actions and words and that God is in control of all of it anyway. My prayer is that our family is welcoming and and she feels right at home. It is such a unique relationship that we are blessed to have and I want it all to go smoothly. Well, here are some quick picture updates... back to my"to do" list...